As I have shared about before, I’m a lover of language and words and meaning, and I particularly adore the power just one word can have.
Today the word I want to rave about is using ‘And’ over ‘But’.
This may not be a new concept to you if you’ve engaged in any leadership or professional development training in the last ten years or so, as it’s a commonly taught language reframe to help improve communication, collaboration and engagement in a variety of settings; from everyday workplace conversations to project management and board meetings. It’s also great to use with your kids!
‘But’ what?
When it comes to the words we use, the word ‘but’ is rather interesting to look at. Have you ever had the experience of talking with someone who kept saying ‘Yes, but …” and feeling as if they weren’t really listening to you? It’s as if they’re only interested in what they are about to say, as if it doesn’t really matter what you say because they’ll have a rebuttal prepared, or a better idea.
While there are times when it’s appropriate to express our disagreement, the word ‘but’ is often used excessively.
According to the Pocket Oxford Dictionary, it means:
But. prep. except, apart from; conj. nevertheless, however; n. an objection.
In short, ‘but’ is usually negating whatever idea or experience preceded it. A classic example of this is when managers use it in feedback conversations (please don’t!) by saying, “You’ve done a great job finalising that report and I’m pleased to hear it’s gone to the client, but it should have gone out to them three days ago.” Honestly, you may as well have not mentioned the first part because you pretty much negated it with the BUT in the middle.
We hear it on the sports field all the time when parents tell their kids “Good work Kylie but you’ve got to keep your eye on the ball. You kept missing!” Sheesh.
Yes, there is definitely a time and place for giving people constructive or corrective feedback and ultimately helping them develop, it’s just that cancelling out praise with your BUT is not the way to do it. Filling people’s tanks with praise is what helps them build capability, confidence and higher performance. Do that separately and tackle the areas for improvement in their own time.
But-ing in
Looking at this from another angle, when we use ‘but’ to respond to someone’s point, it naturally cancels out what they’ve just said.
Instead, try using the word ‘and’ as a bridge between your thoughts and those of the person you are talking with.
This creates a sense of cooperation and openness to ideas.
It says, I agree and I have something to add. Or at least, I’m open, I hear you and there’s this as well …
Using a “Yes, and …” technique usually creates a sense of collaboration. It says, I hear you and I have something else for us to consider.
Let’s see how this works.
Jonathan and Keri are looking at a paint chart:
J: I thought we could paint the walls coffee and the ceiling white
He’s feeling good about making a helpful suggestion
K: But I don’t like the coffee colour, it’s too dark
He’s regretting making a suggestion
J: But you wanted something warm
He doesn’t understand what she wants
K: But a warm colour doesn’t have to be so dark
He still doesn’t understand what she wants
J: So what colour then?
He’s handing it back over to her
K: What about chic cinnamon?
She wishes he’d listen to her more carefully.
Here is how the conversation could go when they replace the word ‘but’:
J: I thought we could paint the walls coffee and the ceiling white
He’s feeling good about making a helpful suggestion
K: A white ceiling sounds good, and perhaps a lighter shade than coffee, to keep the room light?
He’s feeling pleased they are working this out together
J: Which shade did you have in mind? I thought you wanted something warm?
He feels like he can ask questions to understand what she has in mind
K: Yes I do, and I just think coffee looks too dark
He feels like they’re working it out together. So does she.
J: What about chic cinnamon?
She feels like he’s listening. He feels like he understands her.
K: I like that too, let’s do that.
They both feel good that they’ve made a decision with a sense of ease.
I have heard people use ‘but’ as a standard response to everything they hear, including things they actually agree with (which they end up reiterating in their own words to present back to the other person!). It’s as if it’s the only way they can make sense of information they are taking in. I also notice that these same people frequently feel misunderstood and lack a deeper connection in their relationships. This way of thinking is only a habit and it can be changed.
I invite you to try this out. Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ and see what happens.
In my experience it can be really powerful.
Try replacing the word ‘but’ in your conversations for the next five days and see what happens. You will find that on more than one occasion you will get a more positive result than you were expecting. And have fun with it!
Karen x
Catch the related blog The Power of Small Words: Yet